I was going to comment the same. I had a very loving childhood, but my ADHD brain leaves me struggling to remember so many of the basics that often don’t have stored memories around the fun things.
I haven’t, because I don’t struggle with the other hallmarks of ADHD and I’m confident I know the “reason” behind this particular area of friction. But I’m glad that I wrote something that resonated with you! 🤍
I fear that we might share the exact same brain. There really is such an intense anxiety when you’ve finally come out of suicidal ideation and you realize that death is actually a very real and very scary thing (I’m working through this with my therapist rn so that line felt like a personal attack, thanks Adrianna!!!!!).
I remember once last year I had a full on breakdown because I realized that I never enjoyed anything I was doing in the moment, because I could only think about the next thing. Even things I enjoyed were checking off the box, and I found that even on trips or at dinners I was thinking things like “this is almost over, time for the next thing” or sometimes “I can’t wait for this to be over, I can’t wait to sleep and think about how great this was later”.
Not to continue to beat my dead horse, but journalling freely about things, especially visually, has really helped with my memory! I take my little business cards and trash and get little stickers and write about it. Somehow it makes me feel more present in it.
Either way, I hope you find your time to slowdown and remember!! Life is all the little things. This was a really beautiful post and I look forward to more blog like posts from you 😉
I've actually never come across anyone who (openly) felt the same way about suddenly fearing death after suicidality so THANK YOU so much for sharing that with me. It really is such a weird 180-degree whiplash and while I'm very grateful for it, it def has its consequences!
But dude, I'm 100% with you. I'll look forward to something for weeks, and then when I'm there I'm like "lol okay so what's coming after this?" and then the Thing I Waited For is over and I'm like "aw man, that went by so quick." Why do you think that was, Adrianna???
I like the idea of journaling a memory; I journal a lot, but it's more to work through thoughts/emotions than to record life, and I feel that that could be pretty meditative.
I'm glad that if I'm gonna share a brain with someone, it's you :)
This left me a bit stunned by how it nails so many things. I read it three times.
Someone told me that when you are in survival mode for a great deal of time, and then one day you are not, you forget that you can slow down and see the landscape. AKA 'the in between.' I've been thinking on that for about a year.
I'm in awe of your raw ability to connect and express yourself. I'll be thinking about this post for a long time. Thank you.
Wow. I'm so grateful for you, Tina - thank you for your kind words.
I definitely resonate with that concept of "survival mode." I have a hard time openly saying that, because I'll always know that whatever I've dealt with is nowhere near as difficult as someone else's situation, but struggle doesn't really know comparison. It's just hard anyway.
Thank you for telling me how much this post resonated with you 🤍
This was soooo beautiful, my friend. Wow!! My memory sucks bc of the trauma, but I have a hard time appreciating the present moment in the very same ways you talk about. I know this is a new segment on your stack, but I honestly feel like the theme of this essay connects with CUC's theme in a powerful yet understated way.
A lot of what you have written resonates. Have you ever been assessed for ADHD?
I was going to comment the same. I had a very loving childhood, but my ADHD brain leaves me struggling to remember so many of the basics that often don’t have stored memories around the fun things.
I haven’t, because I don’t struggle with the other hallmarks of ADHD and I’m confident I know the “reason” behind this particular area of friction. But I’m glad that I wrote something that resonated with you! 🤍
I fear that we might share the exact same brain. There really is such an intense anxiety when you’ve finally come out of suicidal ideation and you realize that death is actually a very real and very scary thing (I’m working through this with my therapist rn so that line felt like a personal attack, thanks Adrianna!!!!!).
I remember once last year I had a full on breakdown because I realized that I never enjoyed anything I was doing in the moment, because I could only think about the next thing. Even things I enjoyed were checking off the box, and I found that even on trips or at dinners I was thinking things like “this is almost over, time for the next thing” or sometimes “I can’t wait for this to be over, I can’t wait to sleep and think about how great this was later”.
Not to continue to beat my dead horse, but journalling freely about things, especially visually, has really helped with my memory! I take my little business cards and trash and get little stickers and write about it. Somehow it makes me feel more present in it.
Either way, I hope you find your time to slowdown and remember!! Life is all the little things. This was a really beautiful post and I look forward to more blog like posts from you 😉
I've actually never come across anyone who (openly) felt the same way about suddenly fearing death after suicidality so THANK YOU so much for sharing that with me. It really is such a weird 180-degree whiplash and while I'm very grateful for it, it def has its consequences!
But dude, I'm 100% with you. I'll look forward to something for weeks, and then when I'm there I'm like "lol okay so what's coming after this?" and then the Thing I Waited For is over and I'm like "aw man, that went by so quick." Why do you think that was, Adrianna???
I like the idea of journaling a memory; I journal a lot, but it's more to work through thoughts/emotions than to record life, and I feel that that could be pretty meditative.
I'm glad that if I'm gonna share a brain with someone, it's you :)
RE: the first paragraph of your comment, I came here to say almost the exact same thing!!!
This left me a bit stunned by how it nails so many things. I read it three times.
Someone told me that when you are in survival mode for a great deal of time, and then one day you are not, you forget that you can slow down and see the landscape. AKA 'the in between.' I've been thinking on that for about a year.
I'm in awe of your raw ability to connect and express yourself. I'll be thinking about this post for a long time. Thank you.
Wow. I'm so grateful for you, Tina - thank you for your kind words.
I definitely resonate with that concept of "survival mode." I have a hard time openly saying that, because I'll always know that whatever I've dealt with is nowhere near as difficult as someone else's situation, but struggle doesn't really know comparison. It's just hard anyway.
Thank you for telling me how much this post resonated with you 🤍
Yesss living for this! Love you friend🫶🏻
Love you!!! <3
This was soooo beautiful, my friend. Wow!! My memory sucks bc of the trauma, but I have a hard time appreciating the present moment in the very same ways you talk about. I know this is a new segment on your stack, but I honestly feel like the theme of this essay connects with CUC's theme in a powerful yet understated way.
Thank you so much, that means the world 😭 <3 I was like "am I being WAY too open about this?" lol.
Being present is so tough when our brains are yanking us in another direction. I hope you're eventually able to slow down a little, too.
Thank you!!! Not too open at all!!